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The Kids Are All Wrong

The Kids Are All Wrong

“The importance of family,” seems to resonate with critics about the film The Kids Are All Right, a story about a lesbian couple with two children who seek out their sperm donor. The importance of family? Really? Is that why Jules, (Julianne Moore) one of the lesbian moms, starts having crazy sex with the family’s jizz benefactor?!  WTF!  I’m sick of movies depicting lesbians as these sex starved women in need of dick.  We don’t need dick—that’s why we’re lesbians. Hey, that would make a great bumper sticker. Maybe she might have an affair with another woman but not a man! Stop it already.

The scene that really ruffled my vagina was when Jules and Paul (Mark Ruffalo) cross the line and are ripping each other’s clothes off.  As Jules unzips Paul’s pants and sees his Oscar Mayer Wiener for the first time, she gasps and excitedly says: “Hel-lo!”  As if his schlong is worth a $5,000 gift card from Home Depot—America’s favorite lesbian bar.

And why would horny hetero Paul, who is seen earlier in the film with young hot women in their 20’s exuding sensuality, tits and ass and more ass want to have sex with Jules a married lesbian who’s in her late-40’s and is dressed like an Eagle Scout?  It’s out of character for him.  And please sisters, I’m not saying women in their 40’s or older who resemble Jules are not sexual creatures. I’m in my 50’s and I’m having sex all the time—of course I’m by myself…naked…with a fork lift.

I could not get my head around Annette Bening and Julianne Moore being a lesbian couple. There was no chemistry between them. They came across as straight actresses trying too hard to play “lesbian” characters with their forced dyke dialogue and Ellen Degeneres hair and tomboy clothing.  They were mismatched and miscast. I felt uncomfortable in their presence and they made me feel like I had jello in my pants.

And their love scene?  Good lord it made me carsick.  All the lights in the bedroom are on and Nic is sitting up in bed watching gay porn but it appears as though she’s viewing Antiques Roadshow studying the porcelain of a 17th century vase. With this blank look on her face, we see that she’s being “serviced” by Jules who is hidden under this ridiculously thick massive comforter doing god knows what to Nic.  Just then, the volume of the porn gets really loud and both women scramble all over each other and the bed to find the remote to shut the darn thing off so their kids and the neighbors won’t hear.  That’s when I started giving myself a root canal with a rake. That scene was horrifically not funny and made me cringe to the third power.  I was hoping the filmmaker, Lisa Cholodenko, an out lesbian, would have given more believability and respect to this particular scene.  We get it, the women are experiencing some hard times but it doesn’t mean they need to be portrayed as rodeo clowns chasing a hedgehog.  Yet we see Paul’s doggie style scenes with his ladies, being promoted as liberating, fun, sexy, hot—“normal.” The lesbians trying to get it on but engaging in stupid slapstick, immersed in shame and an embarrassment—“abnormal.”

So why is this film getting all these stellar reviews?  Because they’re a zany white lesbian family promoting queer stereotypes and they’re not a threat to straight America. And, there’s lots of hetero sex where you get to see Mark Ruffalo’s ass.

Oh, and one more thing before I wrap it up:  the Latino gardener?  Enough said.

Although I didn’t like the movie I did appreciate the actions of the daughter Joni, played by Mia Wasikowska, who is the heart of the story and is a dynamic actor. I do applaud Ms. Cholodenko for getting this movie made—filmmaking is crazy hard work. Instead of continuing to complain about this particular story, I’ve been writing my own and I finally registered my screenplay with the WGA last week. I hope when the time comes, I can count on your support to get this movie made.

The End.

Black screen.

Credits role.

To book Monica for your next event, go to: www.monicapalacios.com

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15 comments

  • Sarah says:

    Thank you. Agree on every single point.

  • The Battleaxe says:

    Sister 4, you made me laugh so hard my dentures flew from here to the East Bay and Back! Whew! Good thing I have a back-up set. The BA

  • Debra Shapiro says:

    I couldn’t have said it better. I have been arguing with my friends about this film. It did just make me cringe. Thanks for agreeing about the haircut. Many dyke friends, thought, the doc looked hot. They could have shown their relationship “on the rocks” by avoiding intimacy…this weird sex watching gay male porn was just wrong! Thanks for writing this review.

  • Vangie says:

    As a lesbian with two kids I was excited to see this film and VERY QUICKLY was sickened by the depictions of Lesbians & Latinos. I’ve been telling everyone (the straight ones) who’ve seen this film that this is NOT how lesbians have sex. I too am sick of the shit you mention; we all need a dick and we have BORING, PASSIONLESS SEX.

    I agree with everyone one of your points….. I wonder, has Lisa Cholodenko addressed any of the issues you bring up in interviews or have all the interviewers been gushing. AND WHY!! is the lesbian community not speaking out more?

    can’t wait to read your script!!
    THANK YOU MONICA for pulling back the covers…

  • Mildred Lewis says:

    Spot on as always. Can Hollywood can get sex right at all – sans degradation, tititllation, etc.? And finally, for once, can it not be about a man? The gay porn? Seriously.

    Sign me up. I’ll put in some $$ for your feature.

  • Rhonda says:

    Your fabulously LOL funny review has made me want to go see the movie.

  • Robin says:

    Root canal with a rake? Rodeo Clowns chasing a Hedge hog? This is the funniest review I’ve ever seen…oh Mah Gawd.

    I enjoyed this movie, even though it was ridiculous. It was fun to see a movie about a family similar to mine for a change. Hopefully next time they won’t have to make a mockery of lesbians while doing it. And I’m not embarrassed to say, I like Mark Ruffalo’s ass

  • Pat says:

    Damn right, Monica! My wife and I walked out, after paying a ridiculous amount of money to be insulted.

  • Debby says:

    I am less likely to see the movie after reading your exquisite, hilarious, insightful review. At least the movie inspired your review…

  • Sue Burnside, Vallejo CA says:

    3 September 2010

    MonicaMONicaMONICA!!!
    Eggzzzactly. My friend Silvia and I went to see the movie, actually thinking that it’d actually have the Kid’s point of view about being Donor Kids a bit more oftenand issues around that. But, HELL NO!
    Gratuitous sex AND not the kind we would want to pay to see, see?
    And the Latino gardener, as you said. Whaaaaa??? Yes, STILL, even in 2010, folks.
    What a let-down all-around. We shoulda demanded our money back, really.
    I even emailed my MCC-San Diego preacher-brother about it and HE told everybody at church the discouraging word about the movie.
    Can’t wait until YOUR film is out!
    Thanks!

  • venus says:

    Thanks for this critique. I was uncomfortable with this film, but couldn’t get to the root of why, until now. You said it all!

  • Jody says:

    I had the same reaction. The old “deep down they really want a man” crap – again! “Personal Best” was a disappointment, and this movie was a disappointment. However, it does have some redeeming qualities and I have recommended it to friends, with reservations.

  • Alicia says:

    I am so tired of this sad old story – Monica, you nailed it. I have been out and proud for 25 years wearing red nail polish, lipstick and heels, and all the while fighting being invisible in my own community and in the world at large. As a femme I am sick, lifelong sick, of the “just waiting for the big dick” story. When’s the last time the gay boy left his over for a pin up?

  • Jacky says:

    You made me laugh about something that made me cringe!

    I completely agree with everything you said. Not only was I utterly offended with the way the gardener was portrayed but also with the way that lesbians were portrayed.

    Ugh.

  • why are we still having this argument? why are our movies still so freaking hetero influenced?! we all know the answer!

    the last lesbian “themed” mainstreamm movie I saw was kissing jessica stein! it is the same! woman still wanting dick- and vagina at the same time.. all good but what about lesbianas? we know what we want!

    thanks monica.