JLo kissed me in my dreams. This surprised me because I don’t fantasize about Jennifer Lopez—ever. Eva Mendes—absolutely. Tinker Bell—I mean, who doesn’t. A stack of pancakes—always. But JLo—not so much.
This dream was trippy because I was my current self in my childhood home at 2061 Cinderella Lane–go ahead make the joke—”Do you have to be home by midnight, Monica?” Can I go on now? Ok so I’m in my living room watching Gilligan’s Island and sitting next to me on the colonial style couch that my mom got from Montgomery Ward, is my second grade teacher Mrs. Anderson. But it isn’t Mrs. Anderson—you know how that happens in dreams? I look at this fake Mrs. Anderson and she says, “The recess bell rang 5 minutes ago. Get to class. Oh, you peed your pants.” Shocked, I look down at my pants and see that I’m wearing my baby doll pajama bottoms and they’re dry–thank the Lord. And as I turn to Mrs. Anderson who isn’t Mrs. Anderson to tell her to go fly a kite, she’s gone.
Now I’m inside the Staples Center in a VIP box and I’m watching the Sparks play basketball and they’re kicking butt. I feel super happy hanging out with friends I don’t know but they’re totally into me as they keep saying, “Shut up!” I’m eating a warm freshly made caramel apple with chopped almonds and cashews on it–it’s so freakin’ delicious I’m weeping. Then a woman’s voice says, “Give me a bite, foo.” I turn my head left towards this bossy vocal and it’s JLo. She’s dressed all in white and she looks incredibly beautiful. Again she tells me, “I wanna bite.” Speechless, I put my desirable apple in front of her mouth and Jennifer takes the biggest horse bite possible. It sounds like the Earth has cracked open. She’s chewing and making all these ghastly faces but man, it’s turning me on. JLo points to a napkin, I grab it and give it to her. She shakes her head no and tells me, “You do it.” She makes my armpits sweat but I obey and lightly dab the napkin around her mouth. She snatches the napkin from my hand saying, “Do it con ganas! Like you mean it.” She throws the napkin on the floor and then like a ballerina reaches down, grabs her right ankle and pulls it up to her face wiping her mouth with the bottom of her pant leg. She lets go of her ankle and stands erect. Stunned and before I can say, “May I rub some Aspercreme on your joints and muscles, Ms. Lopez?” She pulls me close and plants one big sloppy kiss on my mouth. All I can think about during this lip lock is, “You were amazing in the movie Selena, you sucked in The Boy Next Door, and please ram your tongue down my throat.
I wake up and lying next to me is Mrs. Anderson.
Catch Monica performing her new show Jota Love May 15 & 16 @ Latina/o 4 x 4 New Works Series Highways Performance Space, Santa Monica. Tix: highwaysperformance.org
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