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An Ode to Lesbians & Expired Condiments

20 Oct Posted by in • Guest Writers | Comments Off on An Ode to Lesbians & Expired Condiments
An Ode to Lesbians & Expired Condiments

An open letter to fridge users:

From Trader Joes’ German Mustard, Lea & Perrin’s Steak sauce, Coriander Chutney, Trader Joe’s BBQ Sauce, Grey Poupon Mustard, Organic Ketchup, Toasted Sesame Oil.

Young smiling woman in apron and in rubber gloves dusting and polishing fridge parts

How up-to-date are YOUR condiments?

Listen lesbians, we each feel so honored that you chose each of us individually 7 years ago when you went shopping. We were excited too! Obama had just taken office, Ellen had barely come out and a young mom in Canada had just given birth to a boy named Justin Bieber.

In other words, we were happy to be of assistance to you in terms of condiments!

However, we were all supposed to die a few years ago.

thinkstockphotos-527781721Once we “expire”, we get to heaven and see our loved ones. Each of us has been in purgatory for a few years now. Adding insult to injury, we know we’re dead and therefore harmful and dangerous, so each time you use us we cringe!

Please take this notice in stride and throw us away so we can move on.

Thank you! Happy eating!!

PS: There is an expired bottle of Cholula and a jar of Tahini on the inner right door shelf, but they were terrified they’d be deported so they didn’t want to speak up!

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