This is the day I’ve been waiting for. This is the day I’ve been working toward. This day is the culmination of all I’ve ever done, said, thought, dreamed of, hoped for and planned. It is here, it is real, and it is mine now. It’s not exactly like I might have imagined, yet in many ways it is even better. Today is the day I am living my dreams. Today is the day I am fulfilling my highest possibilities. It’s not a rehearsal. It really counts. This is my life and this is my day to live it with all the fullness, all the richness I can possibly muster.
Actually I stole that quote from Ralph Marston…but today I make it my own.
I feel like an infant. A tiny shell of a person who has no experience being on my own. My 27 year relationship broke up last year. We had been together since we were 24 years old, owned 3 homes and each had a kid. One boy is in college and the other starting high school. These are not ordinary kids either. They are the best kids a mother could hope for and I’m proud of the way we’ve raised them. My parents are still alive and still together, arguing their way through hip replacements and trips to Hawaii. They still loan me money. That is why they call us the sandwich generation.
I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. Safe to be me, absolutely me. As strong, as capable and as beautiful as I can be. I’ve spent most of my life being distracted, avoiding, compromising and not quite living up to my potential. Always planning ahead for “some day”. Now I am no longer a homeowner, a corporate drone, a partner in a long-term relationship, a mother of little ones, or young enough to plan for “some day”.
I wonder about who I am and what I’m really capable of. Am I ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life? Am I grateful for what I have and am I ready to face the fear of an uncertain future?
I think it gets down to this: I have to be willing to look life squarely in the eye and see it for exactly what it is. Accept all the disappointments and the losses just as painful as they are. Remember also that all the beauty, fun, love and crazy-assed good times are not over. Stop running. Be completely honest and authentic. Trust that I will be fine because I always have been fine. I’m right here: strong, beautiful and capable.
Starting all over at 52 years old is my challenge. Surrounded by my friends and family I know I can live this day to its fullest. Epochalips comes from this new chapter in my life, allowing me to reach out to other women my age and giving me the opportunity to grow and explore as an artist. It’s about time.