Our spam comments make this claim day after day. It cracks me up. I’m pretty sure we won’t be able to make you sexier, but thanks to all your loyal support, Epochalips continues to thrive! I love being a part of this community, and thus far have no regrets for the time I spend pulling it all together each week.

This Spring marks three years since the break-up of my 27 year relationship. Yep, that makes it an even 30 years since I was young and in love with another woman. It also marks my  grown sons’ birthdays and this year was the first time I celebrated my Dad’s birthday without his presence here on Earth.

It’s been a perfect time to reflect on how much I’ve changed.

I’m doing work around ‘how is the Universe taking care of me today?’— which is mostly about gratitude. But it’s also about being shown over and over again what I don’t like in other people and things I can’t control. I have my plans and expectations dashed again and again. The lessons just keep coming. It’s almost comical. When I can see disappointments as the Universe’s way of demonstrating for me how things are NOT working in my life, then I can honestly see them as a gift—instead of the typical downtrodden ‘why me’ situation. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s about having faith. I am clinging to the hope of a better present and future, rather than trying to change the past.

I’ve been noticing there is freedom in letting go. The tighter I hold on to my pain and the more times I re-tell the story of what did NOT go my way—informs me about just how much I refuse to let go.

Freedom for me comes in short glimpses of rising above it. I want so desperately to know what’s next and to try to control it, imagine it, and make it happen in a certain way. I keep reminding myself that the more I try to manage and control—as in NOT trusting the Universe—the more I limit the possibilities. I know that my vision is so tiny, so limited, that only by letting go and trusting will I find serenity and a life beyond my wildest dreams. It’s hard to stay there, but I get it.

My eyes can still tear up when I see a dyke pushing a stroller, catch a whiff of my Dad’s Old Spice aftershave, or worse yet, hear a love song from the 80’s. But what’s changed in me is the need to escape, to try and NOT feel. I no longer run into a store to buy something—anything, shove chocolate in my mouth (well…sometimes) or scream and stamp my feet. I might think, “wow, that hurts!” or “ I don’t want to feel this right now! In fact, I want my old life back! Where’s my cute little family? What possessed us to sell our beautiful home? Why did my best friend AND my Dad have to die? How could I end up alone at 54?!”

Ah, yes, well, that’s when I get to take the opportunity to appreciate life as it is. Maybe its time to heal the old hurts and discover the person I am capable of being. Accepting life AS IT IS. I try to think of acceptance as a form of love. What if I honestly loved and accepted everyone (including myself) exactly as they are? That’s a different kind of love than the one I used to know. The love I knew had expectations and conditions attached to it. Conditional love says “she’d be perfect for me, if only…”

Today I am taking the time to notice the beauty in the people and places (and kitties) that surround me, and I feel blessed. I will accept my life as it is, just for today.