I have a confession: I’m addicted to the new ABC show Mistresses. It makes my uvula tremble. But the plot lines are ridiculous. I sit there and say, “God this is so stupid–turn it up!” There has already been a lesbian sex shower scene–two women sudsing up a yak–that’s hot! Alyssa Milano leads this series of forbidden and thorny relationships. Remember her as spunky teen Samantha from the sitcom Who’s The Boss? Well she’s all grown up in this scandalous drama. Although she’s the level headed lawyer who keeps most of her clothes on, I find her to be the most sensual out of the four main female characters. She has a full figure and with her plump chi-chis, reminds me of the sweater girls of the 40’s and 50’s, you know an Ava Gardner type. Although Alyssa is Italian, she looks and acts like a bossy Chicana. She makes people jump at work. I fantasize about being her secretary begging her to spank me while sharpening her pencils and emptying her trash. I’d want her to threaten me with, “You better clean up my office or La Llorona will come and get you.” Turns out Alyssa was breast feeding her real life baby while filming this series–yeah I’d like to see her in nursing bra and big underwear. Hold me back.

Like I said, absurd story lines: dead husband returns to claim he faked his death; shrink has affair with her client then client’s son falls in love with the same shrink; a paternity test is needed for a marriage; straight girl seduced by heartbroken lesbian; Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies prepares possum pie–in the nude.

Mistresses is giving me trashy joy like the classic series Dynasty. Let’s all take a moment and remember the deliciously illogical fifth season cliff hanger finale: the Moldavian Massacre. During a royal wedding ceremony, terrorists enter the chapel and for no reason shoot up everybody leaving the Carrington clan glamorously piled on top of one another lifeless with shoulder pads and big hair askew. I LOVED IT! I still have my 1980’s t-shirt that says: I survived the Moldavian Massacre. This soap opera coincided with the early part of my comedy career. I would watch the show and then put it in my act the next night–the crowds ate it up.

Dynasty was fun to talk about with its outrageous characters swirling around in their nonsensical lives. You could always count on Joan Collins as Alexis to get into a mud wrestling fight with Linda Evans as Krystle. Heaven. The world was introduced to the foxy Heather Locklear as Krystle’s greedy niece Sammy Jo who married Steven Carrington for his money. Sammy Jo was a low life bratty girl who seemed to always walk into a scene wearing a halter top, cut-offs and eating a corn dog–so uncouth but such a turn on. The queer community loved finding out that Steven was really gay becoming one of the first hip happening homos on television. Right on!  And since this character was controversial, his dialogue was always coded. When Steven would talk to his “friend” and say, “Can you help me change my flat tire?”  What he really meant was, “Can you stroke my throbbing manhood?”  So obvious.

I heart tv trash.

Book Monica Palacios  for your upcoming university and cultural events focusing on: LGBT, Chicana/Latina, Theater, Women, Gender, Performance, Race, Class, Sexuality, Vegetarian Food.