Dear Battleaxe,

May 21st 2011 came and went with no Rapture. The 21st was supposed to be Judgement Day. I really didn’t believe anything was going to happen but I did make sure my affairs were in order and I went to confession. What do you think happened? —Always prepared

Dear Always Prepared,

The only “Rapture” I’m always prepared for is the ecstasy of the big “O”. Harold Camping was wrong again for the 2nd time. I say go live your life as if it might be your last day every day, enjoy life and your rapturous orgasms!

Speaking of orgasms see below…

Dear Battleaxe,

I recently read that many women have never had an orgasm…how can that be? I mean really…REALLY??? —Shocked!

Dear Shocked,

Wow, that is hard to believe. I would imagine that if a woman never had an orgasm it is because they have never touched themselves “down there”. And if they have partners, they need to get whoever is up there —”down there” and pronto! Rapture people, rapture! Seek your innermost ecstasy.

Dear Battleaxe,

My best friend of 15 years is cheating on her girlfriend and it is really killing me. I’ve talked to her about it and told her how I feel. She says it doesn’t mean anything, is doing it just for the sex and that it probably won’t last. I don’t think its right. I can’t be around them as a couple because I can’t look at either of them. —Bummed with my BFF

Dear Bummed,

Might be time to get some new friends unless you want to wear blinders or sunglasses all the time. Unless they have an open relationship, which doesn’t sound like they do, I say dump her as a friend and when she sees that she is losing her bff maybe that will make her think twice. Hopefully she’ll realize what a mistake she is making. Good luck!