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Top 5 Sex Tips for Lez-elder-bians

23 Feb Posted by in • Guest Writers | Comments Off on Top 5 Sex Tips for Lez-elder-bians
Top 5 Sex Tips for Lez-elder-bians

There is a significant lack of information designed for older lesbians about sex. The sex manuals, videotape series, and Cosmopolitan-type magazine articles for heterosexual women do not contain lesbian-specific tips and may be misleading, and the lesbian-specific sex books and videos are geared to a much younger audience.  So what is the older lesbian to do? Fear not, here are some guidelines. Keep in mind, however, that “elder” is a relative term.  Some lesbians in their 80’s may be able to perform acrobatic sexual maneuvers, so judge for yourself whether you fit the category of lez-elder-bian.

Simplify the Sex Toys
As we get older, we need to replace the complicated technology with simpler devices.  On a recent trip to the local woman-centered sex toy shop, I was surprised to see how complex some vibrators have become.  One model in particular had a hand-held remote control that resembled the instrument panel of a jet plane.  It had 16 buttons, three dials, a complicated on/off switch, and four separate motors, each with 21 settings.  This is definitely a young dyke’s toy, and even then, is not made for the easily distracted or confused.  We older lesbians should seek out models with foolproof, large buttons to avoid an accidental frenetic pulsing when what we want is a gentle buzz.  We can use as a model the telephones designed and marketed to older adults; the ones with large lighted numbers, amplified speakers, and that only make phone calls and do not surf the net, shoot motion pictures, or sext girlfriends.  Likewise, avoid harnesses with 17 page instruction manuals about how to put them on, and vibrators that simultaneously stimulate four different parts.  Perhaps one sensation at a time is enough for our hearts.

Practice the Kama Sutra Arthritica
We need instruction for appropriate positions and postures to successfully maneuver intricate sexual acts while accommodating our bad backs, creaky knees, and arthritic fingers.  That young version of the kama sutra with 64 sexual positions just won’t do for older lesbians, particularly those with memory problems who can realistically remember only six sex moves.  Positions in the Kama Sutra Arthritica manual include the GIRD maneuver, the post-knee replacement kneel, and the vertigo avoidance move.  Lesbian sex-ercise classes are useful venues for learning these maneuvers.  Pelvic floor activities are particularly helpful, as they serve double-duty for strengthening the vaginal muscle and preventing incontinence. Sex-ercise classes can also teach chair sex (much like chair yoga is useful for older adults who have difficulty getting off the floor) for those with disabilities, and for those who are just plain lazy.

Full Disclosure
This is an important tip for lesbians of all ages, but becomes even more critical for the menopausal or post-menopausal dyke with less than perfect control over flatulence and other bodily functions.  In addition, disclose the bad backs, indigestion from the chocolates she brings you, lactose intolerance, pet dander allergies, unusual vaginal noises during sex, Tourette-like utterances during orgasm, embarrassing tattoos of former girlfriends names (some of us have many of these), and any sensory disability you may have when it comes to operating sex toys so that there are no surprises at inopportune moments.

Seek Accommodations for Visual and Hearing Impairments
As our vision fails, we may need to make accommodations.  One useful product would be stick-on targets in florescent colors to mark critical areas.  Similarly, as our hearing begins to decline, we may not accurately hear our lover’s instructions.  Amplification may be needed to catch the requests, “Faster,” “A little to the left.”

Practice Daily
The older we get, the greater chance that we will experience actual lesbian bed death.  The best course of action to avoid both actual and sexual lesbian bed death is to develop a sacred daily practice.  Pace yourself, take your time, monitor your health and that of your partner, but keep at it!  The body may be changing, but sex is 99% in the brain, so heed these tips and keep on practicing.

Mickey Eliason is an aspiring lesbian novelist who is currently on faculty at San Francisco State University.  After twenty years of academic publishing, she is trying her hand at lesbian humor, and finding so much inspiration in our glorious, dysfunctional lesbian nation.

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